I want to see the Pittsburgh Pirates win 82 games this season.
This has not always been the case. When the Pirates were on their way to breaking the record for consecutive losing seasons (now at 20 and counting), I cheered every loss. This was mostly because I wanted that record to be disassociated from my team, the Phillies, who finished below .500 for 16 seasons from 1933 to 1948.
It’s likely also because of deep emotional wounds I suffered when my family lived in Pittsburgh for a few months in the late 1970s, in the midst of a years-long, intense, cross-state, NL East rivalry between the Pirates and our Phillies—one of the rare times when both Pennsylvania teams were competitive. (My brother, less than 10 years old at the time, once came home crying from a double header that the Phillies swept from the Pirates because of stuff Pirates fans said and did during the game.)
It’s a beautiful day on the Internet, folks! Welcome to the BTBNL March Madness Most Despicable Person in Sports tournament! Check back each afternoon this week to vote for first-round match-ups in each of our four regions: Mordor, Mos Eisley, Skull Island, and Newark. Today, we bring you first-round action in Mordor! Click on the thumbnail to view a complete bracket.
1. Carlton Dotson. Killed his teammate on the Baylor Bears. Anything worse than that? (91%, 32 Votes)
16. Bud Selig. Did that thing with the All-Star game determining home-field advantage in the World Series. Steroid use artificially upped his stats as Commissioner. (9%, 3 Votes)
Total Voters: 35
8. Woody Hayes. Liked to punch kids. Especially those about to score touchdowns against his team. (49%, 17 Votes)
9. Roy Keane. Irish soccer player who publicly berated his national team's manager. Waited four years before destroying leg of a guy who accused him of faking an injury. (51%, 18 Votes)
Total Voters: 35
4. Pacman Jones. Made it rain. Also: stupid. (69%, 24 Votes)
13. Christian Laettner. Stepped on a guy. Played for Duke. (31%, 11 Votes)
Total Voters: 35
5. Kobe Bryant. At the very least is guilty of publicly cheating on his wife. Has won a lot and been sort of a dick about it. (86%, 30 Votes)
12. The Arizona Diamondbacks. For siding with the terrorists in the 2001 World Series. (14%, 5 Votes)
Note: Some of the imagery in this post is a little graphic. One video (I’ll let you guess which one) involves actual nudity. If this sort of thing makes you queasy, I suggest you go here. Here we go:
Two things are true: 1. I have been a Philadelphia sports fan my entire life, and 2. I have never publicly rubbed my actual, naked testicles in another man’s unconscious face because he cheers for a different team than I do.
People who have sent us helmets out of the kindness of their hearts: Howard Aprill, Lacy Bauer, Ira Bletz, Barb Buse Breen (and her aunt Ellen), Phil Broder, Chris Brown, Jamie Cabral, Matthew Caputo, Scott Castiglia, AJ Chlebnik, Jason D'Agostino, Kelly Farrell (and her sister Camille), Alan Filipczak, Seth Gallagher, John Johnson, Kelly Grimm Joslin, Melissa Kaspern, Sarah Keating, Tom Lappas, Scott & Susan Mealey, Art & Anita Pena, Katie Caputo Roberts, Phil Sexton, Don Simme
Minor League teams that have generoulsy donated helmets to the collection: Albuquerque Isotopes, Altoona Curve, Bowie Baysox, Dayton Dragons, Gwinnett Braves, Lancaster Barnstormers, Lexington Legends, Louisville Bats, New Britain Rock Cats, Oklahoma City Redhawks, Pensacola Blue Wahoos, Toledo Mud Hens, Wilmington Blue Rocks