Tag Archives: Philadelphia Sports

I’m rooting for the Pirates in 2013, and you should, too

Pirates

I want to see the Pittsburgh Pirates win 82 games this season.

This has not always been the case. When the Pirates were on their way to breaking the record for consecutive losing seasons (now at 20 and counting), I cheered every loss. This was mostly because I wanted that record to be disassociated from my team, the Phillies, who finished below .500 for 16 seasons from 1933 to 1948.

It’s likely also because of deep emotional wounds I suffered when my family lived in Pittsburgh for a few months in the late 1970s, in the midst of a years-long, intense, cross-state, NL East rivalry between the Pirates and our Phillies—one of the rare times when both Pennsylvania teams were competitive. (My brother, less than 10 years old at the time, once came home crying from a double header that the Phillies swept from the Pirates because of stuff Pirates fans said and did during the game.)

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Most Despicable Person in Sports: Round 1, Skull Island Region

It’s day 3 of the inaugural BTBNL Most Despicable Person in Sports tournament! There’s more first-round action coming your way, today from Skull Island.

Click on the thumbnail to view a complete bracket.

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SKULL ISLAND REGION

Game 1

  • 1. Rae Carruth. Panthers WR who courageously paid someone to murder his 8-month pregnant girlfriend, then hid in the trunk of a car with jars of his own poo. (96%, 27 Votes)
  • 16. Bob Knight. Last NCAA to coach a perfect season in a cardigan sweater. Inspired players not to choke by grabbing them by their throats. Deified by ESPN. (4%, 1 Votes)

Total Voters: 28

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Game 2

  • 8. Ndamukong Suh. Steps on people. (61%, 17 Votes)
  • 9. Josh Koscheck. Won an Ultimate Fighting Championship bout by faking being kneed in the head. Also participated in something called a rear naked choke. (39%, 11 Votes)

Total Voters: 28

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Game 3

  • 4. Average Philadelphia Sports Fan. Pukes on 12-year-old daughters of off-duty cops, throws batteries at angelic right fielders, and boos Santa Claus and the greatest 3B of all time. (61%, 17 Votes)
  • 13. Bill Romanowski. Dirty linebacker who spit on players, refs, and babies. (39%, 11 Votes)

Total Voters: 28

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Game 4

  • 5. Diego Maradona. Cheated at soccer by using hands. Snorted a lot of cocaine. Friends with Castro, Chavez. Breath smells like onions. A genius with the ball and eight-ball. (79%, 22 Votes)
  • 12. Ryan Leaf. Wasn't Peyton Manning. Blamed media for it. (21%, 6 Votes)

Total Voters: 28

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Game 5

  • 2. Tonya Harding. Coordinated brutal physical assault on closest rival. Threatened to sue if she was removed from Olympic team. Figure skated for a living. (86%, 24 Votes)
  • 15. Latrell Sprewell. Choked his coach during practice, then injured people in a car accident while he was suspended for choking his coach during practice. (14%, 4 Votes)

Total Voters: 28

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Game 6

  • 7. Conrad Dobler. Voted dirtiest player in the NFL by Sports Illustrated. Punched defensive linemen in the solar plexus when they jumped to block passes. Spokesperson for Miller Lite. (12%, 3 Votes)
  • 10. Marge Schott. Called Eric Davis her "million dollar n*gger." Also grotesquely unattractive. (88%, 23 Votes)

Total Voters: 26

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Game 7

  • 3. Christiano Ronaldo. Portuguese soccer player for Real Madrid. Said, “People don’t like me because I’m rich, handsome and a great player.” Dated Paris Hilton. (50%, 13 Votes)
  • 14. John Calipari. Coached two different schools in Final Four appearances that actually never happened. Is friends with World Wide Wes. Is completely coated in Vaseline at all times. (50%, 13 Votes)

Total Voters: 26

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Game 8

  • 6. Terrell Owens. Wide receiver for the Allen Wranglers of the Indoor Football League, also played in the NFL, where he alienated everybody. (46%, 13 Votes)
  • 11. Brett Favre. Won the NFL Narcissus Award for 11 straight seasons. Was terrible in There's Something About Mary. (54%, 15 Votes)

Total Voters: 28

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Thanks for voting! Check back tomorrow afternoon for the first round in the Newark, New Jersey, region.

Most Despicable Person in Sports: Round 1, Mordor Region

It’s a beautiful day on the Internet, folks! Welcome to the BTBNL March Madness Most Despicable Person in Sports tournament! Check back each afternoon this week to vote for first-round match-ups in each of our four regions: Mordor, Mos Eisley, Skull Island, and Newark. Today, we bring you first-round action in Mordor! Click on the thumbnail to view a complete bracket.

MORDOR REGION

Game 1

  • 1. Carlton Dotson. Killed his teammate on the Baylor Bears. Anything worse than that? (91%, 32 Votes)
  • 16. Bud Selig. Did that thing with the All-Star game determining home-field advantage in the World Series. Steroid use artificially upped his stats as Commissioner. (9%, 3 Votes)

Total Voters: 35

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Game 2

  • 8. Woody Hayes. Liked to punch kids. Especially those about to score touchdowns against his team. (49%, 17 Votes)
  • 9. Roy Keane. Irish soccer player who publicly berated his national team's manager. Waited four years before destroying leg of a guy who accused him of faking an injury. (51%, 18 Votes)

Total Voters: 35

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Game 3

  • 4. Pacman Jones. Made it rain. Also: stupid. (69%, 24 Votes)
  • 13. Christian Laettner. Stepped on a guy. Played for Duke. (31%, 11 Votes)

Total Voters: 35

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Game 4

  • 5. Kobe Bryant. At the very least is guilty of publicly cheating on his wife. Has won a lot and been sort of a dick about it. (86%, 30 Votes)
  • 12. The Arizona Diamondbacks. For siding with the terrorists in the 2001 World Series. (14%, 5 Votes)

Total Voters: 35

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Game 5

  • 2. Ugueth Urbina. Machete don't pitch. (70%, 23 Votes)
  • 15. Ron Artest. Changed named to Metta World Peace to "inspire and bring youth together around the world," presumably to brawl in the stands. (30%, 10 Votes)

Total Voters: 33

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Game 6

  • 7. Mike Tyson. A convicted rapist, drug addict and cannibal. Possibly the baddest boxer who ever lived. Sings a mean Phil Collins cover. (86%, 30 Votes)
  • 10. Gilbert Arenas. Paid $854 million to be a gunner. Re-defined run and shoot offense. (14%, 5 Votes)

Total Voters: 35

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Game 7

  • 3. Ray Lewis. Stopped snitchin' on his murderous friends, but hey, he's a HOFer. (68%, 23 Votes)
  • 14. Kurt Busch. Giant crybaby, known for screaming at his own teammates and crew chief. (32%, 11 Votes)

Total Voters: 34

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Game 8

  • 6. Bill Belichick. Has won three Super Bowls. Has worn the same hoodie since 1984. Answers every question with a one-word grunt. Videotaped opponents' plays in practice but never use (49%, 17 Votes)
  • 11. Stella Walsh. Competed as Polish woman in the Olympics but was actually a dude. (51%, 18 Votes)

Total Voters: 35

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Thanks for voting! Check back tomorrow afternoon for the first round in the Mos Eisley region.

I’m tired of this BS stereotype about Philadelphia sports fans

Note: Some of the imagery in this post is a little graphic. One video (I’ll let you guess which one) involves actual nudity. If this sort of thing makes you queasy, I suggest you go here. Here we go:

Two things are true: 1. I have been a Philadelphia sports fan my entire life, and 2. I have never publicly rubbed my actual, naked testicles in another man’s unconscious face because he cheers for a different team than I do.

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