Mitt Romney

BTBNL Aptitude Quiz

Posted by Jon Langlois on September 18, 2012
Baseball, Boston / 2 Comments

Recent events have made it necessary to require an aptitude test for BTBNL readers.  Please take this self-graded quiz to determine whether you should be allowed to raise children.

Question 1.   The collapse of the 2011 Red Sox was the fault of:

A. Barack Obama (1 pt)

B.  Bobby Valentine (2 pts)

C.  Fried chicken (3 pts)

D.  None of the above (4 pts)

 

Question 2.  Kevin Youkilis got traded because of:

A. Barack Obama (1 pt)

B. Bobby Valentine (2 pts)

C. Jacoby Ellsbury’s ribs (3 pts)

D.  None of the above (4 pts)

 

Question 3.  This one time, Harvard-graduate and son of Michigan governor, Mitt Romney had to eat canned tuna fish off of an ironing board because of:

A. Barack Obama (1 pt)

B.  Bobby Valentine  (2 pts)

C.  Solyndra (3 pts)

D.  None of the above  (4 pts)

 

Question 5.  This one time, Harvard-educated Barack Obama had to drive a car with a rusted hole in it because of:

A. George W. Bush (1 pt)

B. Bobby Valentine (2 pts)

C. Big Banks (3 pts)

D. None of the above (4 pts)

 

Question 5.  We have a multi-trillion dollar national debt because of:

A. Barack Obama (1 pt)

B. Bobby Valentine (2 pts)

C. Replacement referees (3 pts)

D. None of the above (4 pts)

 

Question 6.  The Red Sox have a sub-.500 record because of:

A.  Mitt Romney (1 pt)

B.  Bobby Valentine (2 pts)

C.  Alex Rodriguez (3 pts)

D.  None of the above (4 pts)

 

Question 7.  Outfielders Carl Crawford, Jacoby Ellsbury, Cody Ross, Daniel Nava, Fred Lynn, Dwight Evans, Ellis Burks, Dustin Pedroia’s wife, Curt Schilling’s avatar, and Larry Lucchino’s blackened soul all spent time on the DL because of:

A.  Barack Obama (1 pt)

B.  Bobby Valentine (2 pts)

C.  Wendel Kim (3 pts)

D.  None of the above (4 pts)

 

Question 8.  The Red Sox traded Josh Beckett and Adrian Gonzalez because of:

A.  Barack Obama (1 pt)

B.  Bobby Valentine (2 pts)

C.  Nick Punto (3 pts)

D.  None of the above (4 pts)

 

Question 9.  Upheaval in the middle east is the fault of:

A.  Barack Obama (1 pt)

B.  Bobby Valentine (2 pts)

C.  Terry Francona’s fictional pain killer habit (3 pts)

D.  None of the above (4 pts)

 

Question 10.  Everything is the fault of:  

A. Barack Obama (1 pt)

B. Bobby Valentine (2 pts)

C. Bill Buckner and/or Ray Allen (3 pts)

D. None of the above (4 pts)

 

Scoring Key:

1-12 points:  You are too ignorant to operate cutlery, much less a vehicle.

13-39 points:  You are getting your news from WEEI, which puts you in the same category as those who scored 1-12 points.

40 points:  Procreate at will!

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Spin City Pitches for First Place

Washington, DC, is a very confused town right now⎯more so then usual, I mean.

What the Curly W is going on around here?

Ten inches of snow fell in parts of Maryland, and winds whipped an April Nor’easter up the New England coast.

A Virginian woman won the $1 million lottery twice—in the same day!

A shuttle from Space buzzed the Washington Monument at the exact same moment* an astro mini-van exploded over (where else?) the Sierra Nevada as invading alien soccer Moms just miss* Area 51.

Mitt Romney agreed with President Obama‘s plan on student loans but did not back a potential running-mate’s immigration plan. (Wow!? Mitt Romney took a stand!*)

(Turns out, however, that Sarah Palin could not actually see Moby Iceberg the Great White Killer Whale from her house….)

Sarah, help a blubber out and point me toward Russia.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Baseball Predictions with Durriken Zoltar (first half)

Posted by Bloggers To Be Named Later on April 03, 2012
Baseball / 1 Comment

Prognosticator Durriken Zoltar (photo by Spencer Desmond)

I am Durriken Zoltar, and I see the future as clearly as you see the past. My mind is full of events to come, and I must purge these visions, lest I burst like a rotten melon. I honor BTBNL and you with my foresight. I give you baseball events for the first half of 2012 now, and you will see my brilliance later. You need not tell me how much you will enjoy this. I already know. Please, no betting.

4 April (Post-International Opening Day, Pre-Western Hemisphere Opening Day Night): Marlins homer in the bottom of the first. Home run monstrosity causes mass panic, induces epileptic fits, and makes Baby Jesus cry.

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