As some of you may already not care, the BTBNL writers have their own highly exclusive fantasy baseball league with only four select teams. By “exclusive” and “select” I mean nobody else wanted to join.
But within these four elite teams, cut-throat competition has already emerged to see who can claim the coveted gold-replica Turducken Soft Taco trophy that has been the traditional prize of the league victor ever since I made it up a few seconds ago. Each team owner has his own strategies to seize the crown, so let’s take a look at how that is playing out in the BTBNL fantasy league:
|League rank||Owner||Team||Strategy for victory|
|4th||Shea Lewis||Arkansas Yankees||Do absolutely nothing.|
|3rd||Jeff Waggett||FC Zealots||Do nothing at all.|
|2nd||Paul Caputo||Les Cousins Dangereux||Focus on active roster management, dropping underperformers quickly and keeping DL current.|
|1st||Jeffrey Carl||Seattle Quagmires||Do not do d**k.|
I think we can draw several important lessons from these results:
- Shea has adopted a zen-like attitude, preferring not to over-manage his team or even manage at all. From this we can conclude he is devoting the appropriate amount of time to the league.
- Jeff Waggett liked to talk big before the beginning of the season but so far in actual play does not have many results to back it up. From this we can conclude he is a Redskins fan.
- Paul is the only person taking this league seriously, and he’s already in, like, six other leagues. From this we can conclude he is a loser.
- I, on the other hand, am absolutely running away with this league in points despite the fact that I think I had Daryl Strawberry in my starting lineup for two weeks. What can we conclude from this?
The conclusion is simple: Jeff W. and Shea are doing nothing, but they are losing because they are not doing enough nothing. My league-leading strategy is to be aggressive in my laziness and lack of concern:
Not only did I let my team auto-draft, I don’t even know who several of my players are. Seriously, who is Brian McCann? Is Madison Bumgarner a joke player they put on the San Francisco roster? And “Ben Zobrist” sounds like some kind of medicine for erectile dysfunction (“If you have liver problems, please consult your physician before using Benzobrist.”)
I go beyond neglectful in maintaining my roster to the point of willful malpractice. Even when ESPN e-mails me to say one of my starting players is on the Disabled List, I’ll leave him in. I have in fact considered manually adding nonexistent players on my team named “Phil McCracken” and “Oliver Klozoff” who could not possibly help my team in any way. But then I decided that would be too much work.
Lastly, I make sure to not even check the league standings until I decide to write an article about how I don’t put any effort into my fantasy team. And that, as Robert Frost said in an incredibly unrelated context, has made all the difference.
If you want to check out the ongoing “progress” of our BTBNL “fantasy baseball” “league,” you can click here to see our updated league standings anytime.