(Washington, DC) FedEx will deliver another NFL Off-Season Championship Trophy to its own Field today. Early this morning, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell invoked the “Snyder Mercy Rule” that ends the off-season competition early when the Skins drop the GDP of Canada or equivalent value within a 24 hour period.
The overnight trade was consummated minutes after free-agent superstar quarterback Peyton Manning said he rather “pick Eli’s wedgie out with his teeth” than play in Washington. Skins owner Dan Snyder immediately called new St. Louis General Manager Les Snead and outbid his own previous offer. Snyder proposed a swap of first round picks and the Skins’ second round pick this year, and Washington’s first round picks in the next two years.
Snead’s poor cell phone reception reportedly caused him to delay his immediate agreement, prompting a panicked Snyder to toss in two private jets, his personal chef, and the Skins Marching Band. A minor back and forth swapped out the band for the cheerleaders, and the deal was done.
Snead said he could hear the Shanahans “whoopin’ it up” in the background. Snyder then joked “We upgraded from RG-zero to RG-two, baby!” The Shanahans laughed nervously, but didn’t correct him.
Local reporters swarmed around a confused Skins General Manager Bruce Allen–the only front office figure still in Washington this morning–when he arrived at work. Allen beat the media to the punch by asking the first two questions: “What’s going on, fellas? Where is everyone?”