Everyone just calm down. We are professional* bloggers, and we are here with your Super Bowl predictions. Here are our considered sports blogger opinions on what will happen Sunday afternoon, including final score and our predictions for over or under the Vegas line of two minutes and 15 seconds for Alicia Keys’ National Anthem. (For the record, the slim Blogger consensus, by a margin of 7-5, is that the Ravens will win. Also take the over on the National Anthem.)
There will 100%, definitely not be a safety in this game.
Of course there won’t! Tom Brady won’t be playing, who could practically get flagged for intentional grounding every time he throws back to the line over the past two years.
WHY MUST YOU CONJURE HORRIBLE MEMORIES FOR ME?
I’m not yelling.
Ravens 24, 49ers 21
National Anthem running time: 2:21
Being a Ravens fan, this may be a homer pick, but I don’t care…
Ravens 28 San Fransisco 24
Over 2:15 on Alicia Keys’ National Anthem
“No weapon forged against the Ravens….”
Blah blah blah and all that Ray Lewis phony baloney act.
Ravens 33, Niners 31
I can’t believe I’m predicting victory for a team that has its offensive plays called by Jim “Reverand Run” Caldwell, but I’m using the logic that the Niners defense is giving up a lot of big passing plays lately and a team with a stronger defense would have won that NFC title game.
Under for Alicia
Winner: Don’t care since the Pats aren’t playing.
Final score: No idea because the score is in points, not runs. I’ll go with whatever Jeremy says—it was like having my own personal Sports Center, last Superbowl.
Alicia Keys: Under – 1:53. Also, I’m adding the prop that the time includes a dramatic pause of +/- 3 seconds in the middle of it all where Keys just stands there and smiles to get the crowd to cheer for her.
Alicia Keys will lip sync and use Beyonce’s voice. She will more than likely claim the song as her original piece.
More importantly, which team will have a player arrested, no-show, or (fill in felony of choice) first? And how soon after the game’s completion will we have to hear all the Charger fans start to say 2014 is their year?
PS: Ray Lewis’ class act/man of the people routine is about as authentic as Lennay Kaekua giving Lance Armstrong his Tour de France medal.
24-21 Ravens in OT.
Keys: Way over because she stops halfway through and prays with Ray Lewis.
Editor’s note: Most blogs don’t have an Australian picking the Super Bowl. That’s what makes us special.
Go the SF Giants – My Aussie pick 31-14 over the Ravens
Alicia Keys will go over 2 minutes totally murdering your Yankee anthem. Lucky they are drinking out of plastic cups because she would smash glasses with those murderous high notes.
(I do hope she or Beyonce at half-time have a wardrobe malfunction though.)
Stunned by Ray Lewis’ devastating injury during his pre-game introduction dance (re-tearing his triceps, along with both biceps, pectorals and all of his abdominal muscles), the Ravens never get going and can’t stop the explosive Kaepernick. 49ers win 34-24, but the game is never really that close.
I don’t believe that Alicia Keys is an over-singer, so I’ll take the under. I’ll also take the under (O/U .5) that she dramatically rips her IEM out to indicate that she has the chops to fake sing the high notes without any assistance.
Jeremy Soule (Again)
I don’t know if I can take it this year. It’s gonna be another epic heartbreaker, I fear:
NY Giants – 17
New England Patriots – 16
Anthem: Clarkson never goes over. Too respectful of the song and the moment. Under.
49er’s win, 35-20
The anthem goes way over, but only because it’s rigged by Goodell so that everyone is more distracted about Alicia than any of the other terrible decisions he’s made of the past couple years, PED usage, or the inevitable arrest that happens to one player on Friday night.
Ravens crush Niners 34-13.
Over on the anthem, but only cause I like watching it in Super Slo Mo.
49ers 28, Ravens 20
The anthem goes way over due to Alicia’s “suspected” use of deer antler.
Ravens 27, 49ers 7
Alicia Keys hits 2:15 on the nose. Then tears up a picture of the Pope.
Jon Langlois (Again)
John Harbaugh beats Jim Harbaugh 7 touchdowns to 6 on a sweet self-pass right as Jim got to Three Mississippi. Jim wouldn’t shake John’s hand afterwards because he totally touched John with two hands before John got to the pine tree.
Presuming there are other people actually in New Orleans besides the two Harbaughs and Ray Lewis:
Ravens 23, Niners 20
Over on the anthem. THE. BOMBS. ARE ON FIYAAAAAAAAAH! THE BOMBS ARE ON FIYAAAAAAAHHHHAUUUUUUUAAAHHHH!