Epic Fail: Bryce "Golden Sombrero" Harper
(Viera, FL) The Washington Nationals optioned supposed baseball phenom Bryce Harper to AAA Syracuse after his pathetic 1-5, four strike out debacle in today’s Grapefruit League game versus the Tigers. Harper’s wretched incompetence was largely responsible for the Nats 11-7 loss.
“He obviously isn’t the player we thought he was,” said General Manager Mike Rizzo. “If he can’t carry us to a win in Spring Training, how can we depend on him in the World Series?”
Owner Ted Lerner then cut his loses and forfeited the up-coming 2012 season. “I’d rather forfeit 162 games than lose 110 because some punk-ass kid couldn’t cut it. I’m not wasting any of my $100 billion personal fortune on an empty stadium.”
Harper’s confidence was clearly shaken following his demotion to the ranks of has-beens, never-was’es, and Ryan Leaf. His shoulders were hunched over, and streaks in his eye black looked suspiciously like the tear tracks of a broken man. Within minutes of completing his walk of shame to the minor league field, Harper tweeted:
“Parents lied to me. I’m NOT good enuff. Hope to at least stick in AAA. #Bust #DeathofaDream”
Reports from Cooperstown say the Hall of Fame has quietly removed Harper’s placeholder plaque.