Breaking News: Nats Forfeit Season After Harper Washes Out

Epic Fail: Bryce "Golden Sombrero" Harper

(Viera, FL) The Washington Nationals optioned supposed baseball phenom Bryce Harper to AAA Syracuse after his pathetic 1-5, four strike out debacle in today’s Grapefruit League game versus the Tigers. Harper’s wretched incompetence was largely responsible for the Nats 11-7 loss.

“He obviously isn’t the player we thought he was,” said General Manager Mike Rizzo. “If he can’t carry us to a win in Spring Training, how can we depend on him in the World Series?”

Owner Ted Lerner then cut his loses and forfeited the up-coming 2012 season. “I’d rather forfeit 162 games than lose 110 because some punk-ass kid couldn’t cut it. I’m not wasting any of my $100 billion personal fortune on an empty stadium.”

Harper’s confidence was clearly shaken following his demotion to the ranks of has-beens, never-was’es, and Ryan Leaf. His shoulders were hunched over, and streaks in his eye black looked suspiciously like the tear tracks of a broken man. Within minutes of completing his walk of shame to the minor league field, Harper tweeted:

“Parents lied to me. I’m NOT good enuff. Hope to at least stick in AAA. #Bust #DeathofaDream”

Reports from Cooperstown say the Hall of Fame has quietly removed Harper’s placeholder plaque.


  • Paul Caputo

    Bryce Harper’s biggest flaw is that he is 19. If he doesn’t find a way to overcome that in the next few years, he’s done.

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