Taking a Stick to Pineda

Posted by Eric S. Townsend on January 21, 2012
Baseball, Yankees

Michael Pineda / New York Yankees (Pop Art: Townsend/BTBNL)

 

NEW YORK — Time to have some fun with the New York Yankees’ soon-to-be stud pitcher, Michael Pineda. After all, prodding is a New York ritual of love and respect. This time, the roast will have a twist — and you’re going to LOVE IT.

I’m taking a stick to Pineda, NOT because I think it makes good street sense to pick a fight with a 6′ 7″ 260-pound Dominican. I don’t have a death wish, thank you.

NOT SIMPLY because I’m a fan of the Evil Empire. That’s right, I won’t miss having Jesus in my life any longer.

NOT EVEN because it’s been a slow offseason, with very few A-Rod photos to help me laugh the edge off my angst.

* * * * * * * * *

NOPE. This time around, it’s going to be a lighter prodding. This may even be construed as legend-building, or the ultimate bait and switch. I can live with that. The Yankees can’t afford to have me smash the new toy before the party begins — we’re on a budget now. Not to mention, this big boy is far too valuable of an acquisition.

Here’s the deal…

Saying hello to Micheal Pineda likely means saying goodbye to AJ Burnett —
and there’s nothing else in Yankeeland that could guarantee as much happiness.

* * * * * * * * *

I took a few thwacks at the Pineda, because I was curious to see what kind of candy might fall out. More than two dozen chewy nuggets for our enjoyment! Comparisons between the pitchers were like night and day (no pun intended).

The following game will forever be known as “AJ Burnett, however…” This may be the only time when Red Sox and Yankees fans can truly come together as one!

Won’t you play along with us?

• Pineda does not suck. AJ Burnett, however…
• Pineda has never been called a redneck, nor has he moonlighted as a propane salesman. AJ Burnett, however…
• Pineda’s hair is not an affront to God and man. AJ Burnett, however…
• Pineda has value and can be traded successfully. AJ Burnett, however…
• Pineda won’t compete against a team that’s also paying him. AJ Burnett however…
• Pineda’s 2011 wins cost his employer $46,000 each. AJ Burnett’s? $1.5 million each.
• Pineda would quit the game if he was called “a surprise hero.” AJ Burnett, however…
• Pineda doesn’t need you to fix his fastball. AJ Burnett, however…
• Pineda doesn’t bean his teammates in the head with his fastball. AJ Burnett, however…
• Pineda never apologizes, nor does he cause injury to himself. AJ Burnett, however…
• Pineda has never pitched with an “unexplained shiner.” AJ Burnett, however…
• Pineda isn’t still taking “mental steps forward.” AJ Burnett, however…
• Pineda can be removed from a game without incident. AJ Burnett, however…
• Pineda walks just three batters per 9 innings. If you use the word “control” and Burnett in the same sentence, then you need to be punched in the face.
• Pineda’s strikeouts aren’t infamous. AJ Burnett’s, however…
• Pineda doesn’t trend on Twitter for the wrong reasons. AJ Burnett’s, however…
• Pineda doesn’t even have a Twitter page. AJ Burnett, however…
• Pineda covers first base. AJ Burnett, however…
• Pineda’s interviews aren’t filled with psycho-babble. AJ Burnett’s, however…
• Pineda doesn’t speak about himself in the third person. AJ Burnett, however…
• Pineda prays that no ones wishes “a devastating potential disaster” upon him. AJ Burnett has at least one “fan” who does.
• Pineda isn’t “catcher-sensitive,” and he’s never dated a Molina. AJ Burnett, however…
• Pineda wants to ban the practice of matching tattoos. AJ Burnett, however…
• Pineda throws an effective slider. No Support needed.
• Pineda’s changeup is not an “evolving process.” AJ Burnett’s, however…
• Pineda’s agent is not delusional. AJ Burnett’s agent, however…
• Pineda doesn’t walk the leadoff batter every inning. AJ Burnett, however…

* * * * * * * * *

I could go on and on until the beginning of the new baseball season. Celebrating the new by lamenting less for the old feels good, doesn’t it?

I’ll let you crush on sabermetrics and dig up amazingly-detailed scouting reports on Michael Pineda, the New York Yankees latest stud pitcher. All I need resides above.

P.S. — It took just about all the restraint I had as a writer NOT to title this piece “AJ Burnett, however…” With all the fodder out there on him, this would have been a smarter marketing move. That said, I’d be putting his name in a headline — where we all know it doesn’t belong.

* * * * * * * * *

Eric S. Townsend leads a marketing team of wordpress designers in Fairfax, Virginia. Recreationally, he designs for a sport apparel company, publishes, shoots pool, and pitches for a baseball team. Email him at eric.s.townsend@gmail.com.

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4 Comments to Taking a Stick to Pineda

  • The only thing that would have made this post better would have been a Pineda Google Doodle Pinata. I kept clicking on the image above to try to smash it, and nothing happened. Thanks for the good laugh, Eric.

    • For a while, Burnett showed real favor for the overweight lover. Probably to the detriment of his marriage. Probably led to the shiner.

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